Processing loss

My grandmother died almost two weeks ago. She was 96. Also my aunt, our dear Tita Malu, died a few months before my grandma.

Dealing with loss is something I have been really terrible with.

I feel the loss; I feel pain; I feel the grief; I feel all of these things and experience them as I should.

But I can’t seem to put myself through what other’s around me can. Express that feeling. All of these things I feel are stuck under the surface, like a dormant vent of steam of a geiser waiting to let out a burst.

I could easily go down this rabbit hole of regret, telling myself what I could’ve done better to prevent all this, but then I also try my best to rationalize keep it together, and accept that that is their fate.

Me, the wife, and the kids performed and played live music in one of the services during my grandma’s wake. It was the first time in years (roughly a decade) that I actually did a set and played with my children in front of a crowd. It felt good as we played music that my grandmother loved. That was the best tribute I could give her and I wished we did those more frequently when she was still alive.

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